Season 1: The Queen, Episode 1/4
(Artwork: Munich Globe Bloggers)
May I call you Big Liz‘ or El Queenerino?
Jimmy Walker Jr.
Munich Globe Bloggers come up with a brandy spanking new series. Our man for the lost moments, Jimmy Walker Jr., goes for a cup of gin with famous fellas and ushers them out of their cosy zone with his notoriously folksy backstreet style. The first victim of our truth machine is the Queen of England, Elizabeth number two. At least the lady we had our little ginny chat with looked pretty much like that crowny Liz most people know from all the imprinted toilet papers they never read.
Jimmy: So you’re the fucking Queen?
Queen: Infrickingdeed, young fella.
Jimmy: That’s cool. That’s cooI. Gimme fucking five, Baby! First I thought you were some kind of impersonator since you look even queenier than the Queen in my imagination.
Queen: Is it? And you’re a pretty well educated young darling.
Jimmy: Yes, indeed, ma’am – though they never wrapped my ass in golden nappies. Gutter academy, you know? Tell me, Mrs Queen – or may I call you Big Liz‘ or El Queenerino …?
Queen: (hem hem) … “Your Highness” or “Your Majesty” would be pretty sufficient …
A legendary Yeti Army
Jimmy: Okey-dokey, Highness-Baby, though Highness sounds like Hoeneß, you know, that football fella that checked into the same prison as the infamous German Führerchen, thanks, by the way, for kicking his ass real good those days, and sorry, I’m fucking rambling. What actually preys on my mind is which qualifications does someone need to be the Queen. I know waving is a big issue …
Queen: Outrageously true, Charlie. And waving non-stop for several hours is not for pussies, it’s hard work. My schedule commands me in the gym for at least two hours a day. “Pump it like Arnie!” is my device.
Jimmy: Wow! By the way, my name is Jimmy, Your Waveness.
Queen: Sorry, Tommy.
Jimmy: Ever tried Tai Ginseng? Keeps your memory in shape.
Queen: No, but Kamagurka … that famous blue pills. Or rather my untimely deceased stallion used to pop them like fricking peanuts.
Jimmy: You mean Kamagra – Kamagurka is the name of a legendary yeti army who won every snowball war ever. And those pills you mentioned are not blue. The blue ones are called Viagra.
A Passion Slayer called Maggie
Queen: You seem to be an expert, Ringo. Or even a sexpert?
Jimmy: The name is Jimmy and no, I’m rather an expert in pretending to be an expert. And what the chuck is sex?
Queen: Nothing you’ll think about whenever you sit next to Maggie Thatcher. Ha ha.
Jimmy: Compared to Maggie you’re a damn sexy bitch, Highnessy.
Queen: Thanks, Darling. I think this could be the beginning of a pretty hot fling.
Jimmy: Actually I’m not that much into all this cougar and MILF stuff, Mrs. Robinson.
Queen: What was the part in the middle, Archie.
(Continue to sequel: Gin Chats: Jimmy’s Face-to-Face-Book, Season 1, Episode 2)